To write again ...

...not me. Him, TheAviator.
"It" is definitely over.

Tomorrow I meet TheAviator. For the first time. After two whole years of talking on the phone, thrice a day, then once a day, then once in 3 days, then once a week, and now sometimes, once in two weeks. We talk. We used to flirt. Now we tease, make fun. It’s nothing now. There is no love, there are no great feelings. Maybe there never was. I want to be sure to write all this down, so that tomorrow, when I’m giddy from his scent, I can remind myself that he means nothing to me. When I’m missing him, I can remind myself, that I never really had him.
I don’t know when I’ll meet him. Sometime in the evening, or some such. He’s going to be in my city. He’s going to be here. Sitting in my car, I’m going to be able to watch him smile and laugh. I’m excited.

It’s a week after I wrote that post. I never posted it. I never met him. We hardly talk now. I don’t know why he suddenly couldn’t meet me. I don’t know if he suddenly wasn’t curious. He wasn’t curious and I was. That almost never happens.
I have a constant knot in my stomach because I feel almost certain now, that I won’t see him. Ever. It feels like that. Sometimes, when things finally end, when hope finally fades, you just know. And this time, I just know.
I don’t even remember the last time I genuinely hoped for something to happen between the two of us….

I wanted to start writing like this again so badly. Bitching about everything and everyone, declaring my love for things and people I pretend not to love, asking questions, confessing truths. And doing it all in secret. Now I find I’m at a loss. Maybe I’m out of touch or maybe I’m lazy…or maybe it’s (God, I hope not) that I genuinely have nothing to say.

TheAviator and I ended our non-thing a couple of days back.
TheAviator is this guy who I’ve known for about 2 years now. We’ve never really been an item. I always thought he was kind of interested in me and I’ve been – ranging from very interested, to not interested, to kind of interested – in him for that whole time. We’ve both dated other people during this time, but for me, I always sort of had this idea that we might end up together (due to good-on-paper-ness).

Anyhow, two nights ago, we argued about me going to Delhi next month and not wanting to stay with him, then wanting to stay with him and then he thinking it’s “un-officerlike” to do that. It was a silly argument. But I think I realised I did not need him in my life and this was going nowhere. And I don’t think he needs me either. So “it” is over. More about “it” later, I’m sure.

Other than that, I have no real love-life per se. For once, I’m not really interested in anyone either. Okay fine, there’s this one guy I think is kiiinda cute and I kiiinnnda got mixed messages from him a couple of months back, but now it has been made very clear that he, not only has no such interest in me, but also has a girlfriend.

And then there are my friends, who are starting to get married or who are at least starting to think on those lines. I’m 23. I wonder if I’ll ever feel it’s time for me to get married. I like the idea of it on some days, but even on those days, I know I’m far from ready.

More tomorrow, or maybe day after :-)

And I hate being a financial journalist... it isn't my passion, and I wonder if anyone in this newsroom is passionate about it.
Anyway, that aside. I'm writing here and not on my other blog, because I'm hiding. I can't write what I think when I know people I work with, read it. My fault perhaps, for putting up the link on social networking sites, for thinking I wanted to be read. I do want to be read, but not by people who know that side of me. I want to be read by people who read this as an introduction to me. Like you, whoever you are. Who knows nothing about me (yet) and you, who will learn more about me from here. About me and about what I do, how I spend my days, my friends, my family, my relationships with men, my feelings, my thoughts, my insecurities and my lies...