Facebook's privacy policy is longer than the American constitution. Say what? I read this article the other day and quite frankly, I often don't see what the fuss is about. I don't understand the need to STAY that private. I have friends who refuse to get on Facebook or any other social networking site because they're so worried that their information will be compromised. Fair enough. But for those who are on there - get over yourselves maybe?
What do you not want to disclose? Your location? Your pictures? Your religious beliefs? Your relationship status? Your year of birth? ;) I bet that's the one. For me, the only thing I have wanted to keep private is pictures of me taken at bad angles, the ones where you can see my double chin or my acne or, worst-case-scenario, both!!! It's just that.
I mean, what is it really? Are you in the frekkin secret service? I remember they made it a big deal in the army once - officers on social networking sites - posting pictures of themselves standing next to their tanks or fighter planes - disclosing their locations - Lohegaon, Bhatinda, Pathankot. Maybe we don't want the bad guys to know that we've got MiG 29s at so-and-so location and something else at another. But really, I don't think military intelligence the world over, goes looking on social networking sites for such information. But then again, who knows?
I, for one, love Facebook and am not afraid of the loopholes in their privacy policy. If I really want to keep something private, I won't feel the need to put it on there in the first place. And that's what the article says -'The only way to disappear from those topic pages is to delete personal data from Facebook....' Do that, and shut the fuck up.
In other news, I know something very exciting but I can't write about it. It's about a great book being movie-fied and my cousin playing the lead role! What what? Yes!
I realised today, much to my annoyance that I respect the honesty, even though it was too late to prevent me from getting hurt. I appreciate what was said, even if it didn't satisfy me at the time. Whatever the real reason was in the end, I know that it was not meant to be. And when it is meant to be, I know that He will move heaven and earth to make it happen and nothing as trivial as me asking for accountability or bad timing - will shake that.
Whether the reason was that he got scared or met someone else or never really thought of us as an ‘us’ – the truth is if one person doesn’t want it – it’s next to impossible to make it work. It’s not entirely impossible; there is always manipulation and guilt that causes (some) people to stay when they don’t want to. Guilt, drama, threats, lies, tears, sweet nothings – I have tried everything to win back a guy who has not felt the same way about me. On occasion, it has worked – but never for long. But I didn’t try this time - not this time and never again. And if I am completely honest with myself, I know that there is nothing I could have or can say to change his mind, because we had nothing between us to go back to, to miss, and to want back. There were no ‘old times’ or firsts – just an odd ending and misplaced feelings.
In fact, I’m bordering on being thankful to him because all this drama has given me something to write about - whatever the circumstances- it has given me ambition I haven’t felt for a long time and driven me to make plans I haven’t made or thought of making for a while. He’s started me up again and for that, I am grateful. Maybe I am just trying to justify why all this happened to begin with.
At the end of the day, I can chalk it down as an experience. It taught me that not even an arranged-marriage will protect me from getting hurt. I always (albeit naively) thought it would. I still plan and hope to meet someone on my own, but worst-case-scenario – I thought my parents will find me a great guy who will never hurt me – and if he does – it will be their problem, not mine. Not true. Thing is – being set up this way is still means putting yourself out there, heart on your sleeve, being vulnerable. In many ways, being more vulnerable than usual – more open and honest, no games.
I was just what I was. No power-play. No mindfucks.
...cathartic and good for the soul.
No one likes to be burned. I sure as hell don't. No one likes to be taken for a ride or taken advantage of or used. I was thinking about some things that have happened in my life recently that have made me profoundly (ok not PROFOUNDLY - but ....quite) unhappy and I came to realise that I have been at the giving-end of similar situations for way too long to complain that this happens to me now.
Who has not used someone for momentary validation? Who has not said - hey this is not the person for me - but they're fun to talk to/sleep with/go out with and why not? Who has not felt a need to be loved so strong, that sitting still is as unfathomable as the horizon? I enjoy being validated. Constantly. Needy? Yup, you got that right.
And the thing with being needy is knowing you’re needy isn’t the first step toward overcoming it. You’ll know you’re needy quite early on in life. Needing attention. Needing to be loved. When loved – needing to rock the boat. Needing the drama. When we have the drama – we need to be won over. We need to have it made up to us. When that’s over – we do something new. Neediness attracts neediness, apparently. Worse still, neediness begets neediness. The thing with neediness is that you are not needy for love or attention – you are needy because you are needy – to be needy. That’s all. It’s a vicious circle.
When I am practical, I know that I want to be calm. I want to not worry – not think about things – not overanalyse things. But my irrational self causes me to stir up feelings I should ignore or shouldn’t have to begin with, jump to conclusions, worry, and wreck.
Do I have an answer to this problem? No. If I did, I wouldn’t be single and cursing the last guy who didn’t love me the way I wanted.
Why have I written this today? Because writing is cathartic, it is good for the soul.
Knowing you has made me feel reckless. You never once made me feel settled and I thought of settling down with you. That’s irony for you.
From day one – I waited for you to say something. Then you did – two weeks later and I jumped! You mailed me and said you want to get to know me! Wow! What a prize! I took a leap of faith and replied in the best way I could. Then after a month of sporadic, mostly meaningless emails – I give you my number (without you asking, and DON’T tell me that THAT’S not a big deal.)
We talk – awkward at first and easy as the days go by. I think – wow, funny, kind, smart, quick. Things change – you take your time, slot me in to your already crowded schedule and then I think – unreliable, not accountable or not into me. Then you speak to me and I melt in your words. Tomorrow comes and I wait for you to call and think – not interested. Seeing someone else?
We do this dance for days, till I finally tell you it’s not okay. Because by now, yes, I have started to like you, I enjoy your jokes and look forward to your company. And yes, maybe I am a ‘notch or two ahead of you.’ Big fucking deal. So I want a clue. Not a definite answer. Just direction. Say that you like me, that you enjoy me; that you want to see what’s what, say you think I’m cute or that I’m too fat or that I make you laugh. Say it, say something or say it all, but please, don’t keep me guessing. Be a man, for fuck’s sake.
Maybe I asked you for way too much when I said I want you to be accountable. But I needed that. I needed to know. I was not okay with not knowing. And no, I am NOT okay with you telling me one fine day that you’ve lost all interest in me and are walking away – taking no responsibility for my feelings. I would never have been okay with that. I needed you to tell me that you were interested or not. That’s just me.
You saw this ‘need’ in me and called me on it. I denied it at first – but you were right. I don’t know how to not know. I don’t know how to trust without knowing. I have not known many things in my life and many things have taken me by surprise. I needed the accountability. I couldn’t have waited indefinitely and wondered if you’d ever pursue me.
So maybe it is for the best. And maybe it will take me a week to get over the habit of looking at my phone – willing it to ring. Maybe your hastiness will always have a piece of me – a piece that feels rejected by someone who didn’t even give me a chance.
I’m not angry, I wish I was. I’m disappointed because you showed me what it’s supposed to look like. You were things the others were not. You were not just a nameless name on a list of endless prospects.
As and when (and if) you read this – you will know for sure that you were right about me. I don’t want to deny that even the slightest. I was more than you could handle. You were right; I did need more – still do and always will.
... have my questions answered today, my heart put at ease or broken. I hate not knowing. I hate guessing, hate not having control. I hate being in a situation where another person has no accountability whatsoever, for my feelings, but has my heart.
I want my heart back - my feelings undone. I want to live recklessly again, to yearn for the arms of a near-stranger. I want to forgive and take back, take in. I want to love each one of them. I want to be completely open and uninhibited. I want to scream and not worry about the neighbors hearing me. I want to get angry and not worry about an entire household finding out. I want to go back a few years and gain that perspective again. I want to be alone. I want to be without. I want to be with. I want to.. ...
Boys are not easy to figure out. I don’t know who said they were. I try to tell myself that if you can’t figure out whether he’s into you or not – he’s probably not. But today, or these days, that isn’t cutting it. I have convinced myself that a friend (I use this word because he uses it) of mine has feelings for me and won’t make a move because we work together. In truth, he COULD be interested, but isn’t making a move because I think he thinks he can do better (yes, I know how wrong that sounds), OR he knows I’m interested and flirts a little coz the attention is fun for him OR, of course, he’s not interested and I am just delusional. I don’t even know which the worst among those scenarios is. I had to resort to reading my self-help bible (‘he’s just not that into you’) and now feel all empowered, as if I have the entire situation under control, but I probably will feel differently tomorrow. Love? Probably not. But REALLY REALLY strong ‘like’. I’m attracted to him, compatible with him and uninhibited around him – this rarely happens to me. Very rarely. Almost never. Okay, never. But I won’t be calling this love or him my soul mate. I’m writing this because I wanted to start writing again, and even though I am ashamed to admit this, all I could think about writing at the moment, is this guy. I’m a 24 year old woman with a good job, brains and a great life and all I wanted to write about was a guy. I have started writing again to snap out of these silly obsessions and put a new spin on things. I am writing because a wise friend said to me that it’s insane to expect change without changing yourself or the way you do things.