To write again ...

I realised today, much to my annoyance that I respect the honesty, even though it was too late to prevent me from getting hurt. I appreciate what was said, even if it didn't satisfy me at the time. Whatever the real reason was in the end, I know that it was not meant to be. And when it is meant to be, I know that He will move heaven and earth to make it happen and nothing as trivial as me asking for accountability or bad timing - will shake that.
Whether the reason was that he got scared or met someone else or never really thought of us as an ‘us’ – the truth is if one person doesn’t want it – it’s next to impossible to make it work. It’s not entirely impossible; there is always manipulation and guilt that causes (some) people to stay when they don’t want to. Guilt, drama, threats, lies, tears, sweet nothings – I have tried everything to win back a guy who has not felt the same way about me. On occasion, it has worked – but never for long. But I didn’t try this time - not this time and never again. And if I am completely honest with myself, I know that there is nothing I could have or can say to change his mind, because we had nothing between us to go back to, to miss, and to want back. There were no ‘old times’ or firsts – just an odd ending and misplaced feelings.
In fact, I’m bordering on being thankful to him because all this drama has given me something to write about - whatever the circumstances- it has given me ambition I haven’t felt for a long time and driven me to make plans I haven’t made or thought of making for a while. He’s started me up again and for that, I am grateful. Maybe I am just trying to justify why all this happened to begin with.
At the end of the day, I can chalk it down as an experience. It taught me that not even an arranged-marriage will protect me from getting hurt. I always (albeit naively) thought it would. I still plan and hope to meet someone on my own, but worst-case-scenario – I thought my parents will find me a great guy who will never hurt me – and if he does – it will be their problem, not mine. Not true. Thing is – being set up this way is still means putting yourself out there, heart on your sleeve, being vulnerable. In many ways, being more vulnerable than usual – more open and honest, no games.
I was just what I was. No power-play. No mindfucks.