To write again ...

Knowing you has made me feel reckless. You never once made me feel settled and I thought of settling down with you. That’s irony for you.

From day one – I waited for you to say something. Then you did – two weeks later and I jumped! You mailed me and said you want to get to know me! Wow! What a prize! I took a leap of faith and replied in the best way I could. Then after a month of sporadic, mostly meaningless emails – I give you my number (without you asking, and DON’T tell me that THAT’S not a big deal.)

We talk – awkward at first and easy as the days go by. I think – wow, funny, kind, smart, quick. Things change – you take your time, slot me in to your already crowded schedule and then I think – unreliable, not accountable or not into me. Then you speak to me and I melt in your words. Tomorrow comes and I wait for you to call and think – not interested. Seeing someone else?

We do this dance for days, till I finally tell you it’s not okay. Because by now, yes, I have started to like you, I enjoy your jokes and look forward to your company. And yes, maybe I am a ‘notch or two ahead of you.’ Big fucking deal. So I want a clue. Not a definite answer. Just direction. Say that you like me, that you enjoy me; that you want to see what’s what, say you think I’m cute or that I’m too fat or that I make you laugh. Say it, say something or say it all, but please, don’t keep me guessing. Be a man, for fuck’s sake.

Maybe I asked you for way too much when I said I want you to be accountable. But I needed that. I needed to know. I was not okay with not knowing. And no, I am NOT okay with you telling me one fine day that you’ve lost all interest in me and are walking away – taking no responsibility for my feelings. I would never have been okay with that. I needed you to tell me that you were interested or not. That’s just me.

You saw this ‘need’ in me and called me on it. I denied it at first – but you were right. I don’t know how to not know. I don’t know how to trust without knowing. I have not known many things in my life and many things have taken me by surprise. I needed the accountability. I couldn’t have waited indefinitely and wondered if you’d ever pursue me.

So maybe it is for the best. And maybe it will take me a week to get over the habit of looking at my phone – willing it to ring. Maybe your hastiness will always have a piece of me – a piece that feels rejected by someone who didn’t even give me a chance.

I’m not angry, I wish I was. I’m disappointed because you showed me what it’s supposed to look like. You were things the others were not. You were not just a nameless name on a list of endless prospects.

As and when (and if) you read this – you will know for sure that you were right about me. I don’t want to deny that even the slightest. I was more than you could handle. You were right; I did need more – still do and always will.